Friday, February 22, 2008

The Healing Rollercoaster

roller coaster
(Just a little illustration on what it feels like to on this trying to conceive journey)

Wow! What an up and down roller coaster this is. And well I'm pretty much sick of it. It one moment I can be happy-go-lucky, silver lining Jaime and the next I can be worse than Oscar the Grouch, Eeyore, Grumpy the dwarf and Grumpy Care Bear all mixed in one.

I guess what bothers me most is when I'm feeling something that I know isn't justified or right. It's frustrating knowing you're wrong, especially when it comes to feelings. Little vague for you? Here's what's going on...

All Things I'm Happy For:

1. I have stopped bleeding/spotting and my body is healing physically from the miscarriage.

2. The pre-pregnancy and pregnancy weight gain due to water retention is gone and I can button my pants!

3. I got to make love to my husband for the first time in what seams like AGES!

4. Onions don't make me want to throw up.

5. I can sleep through the night without getting up to pee.

6. My best friend's pregnancy is going well and she's a wonderful friend.

7. My best friend's sister just found out she's pregnant with her 1st.

8. A real good friend that has struggled with infertility for over a year got confirmation today that her 4th attempt at IVF was a success.

9. An old friend just brought a baby boy (Brady James) into the world on Feb. 18th.

10. An online friend brought her beautiful baby girl (Christina Augusta) into the world on Feb. 20th.

11. My boss paid me for 4 of the days I took off.

12. Chris got his days off paid as well.

13. We can choose when WE want to do another IUI, we don't have to wait 3 or 4 months.

OK so you see I have tons of things that I'm truly happy about. And I really am, I'm not just saying it! So, then why do I feel like this...

1. Sad like I had the last miscarriage there will ever be.

2. Mad that March is busy for Chris and I with work and we will probably wait til April to do another IUI.

3. And the worst feeling in the world, jealous. I hate feeling jealous of friend's pregnancies. I know it's an ugly emotion, jealousy is just plain ugly. Whether it's about pregnancy, money, relationships, anything. And I hate feeling like a jealous person. I know I'm not the only not pregnant woman that feels this way and I've even helped others realize what they're feeling is ok. I've said many times that it's not that we feel like "why them", it's really "why not me too". But the emotion is still stupid and sucks.

I have the hardest time lately supporting others and just saying congratulations. Instead all I think and/or say is "take it easy", "if you feel anything out of the ordinary call your dr", and then when I realize I've probably put the biggest fear in these new mommies I remember to say "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you". Because I am. And the congrats and praises should come first and the other stuff I should leave to myself!

I don't know if this is because I don't want anyone going through what I'm going through. But it's not like you can stop a miscarriage if it's going to happen anyway. (See... there's Negative Nelly coming out again! - Pipe down would ya!) Or, what I really want to deny if it's true, is that I want people to remember what I've been through. That amongst every one's happiness and all the attention, I'm being a selfish cry baby and want my attention and hugs! So stupid! But I have to say that it's not all selfish. I have a couple of friends who's pregnancies are FAR from easy. And I'm not talking about bad morning sickness. I'm talking about them being 17 and 21 weeks pregnant and finding out their babies might not be healthy. I even found myself being so negative towards pregnancy that I told someone (luckily not a pregnant person!- not that cruel) that nothing is guaranteed with a pregnancy until you have that baby in your arms. I just don't know who this negative person is. One thing I've always been known for is being positive, up beat and ALWAYS finding the good in anything or anyone.
This Negative Jaime makes the real me feel very guilty too. To the point where I'm just going to call myself on something terrible I did just today. My good friend that got her results today told me what her beta was. It's a great number, 112 at just 9 days past her IVF. And my big mouth goes and says, "Well, I don't really rely on numbers anymore because they thought I was having multiples by my numbers... but being over 100 is really great, lets just see them double every 48 hours!"... Why would I even bring up my numbers? Who cares, she doesn't need that and I'm very sorry that I said it. It was down right mean and I feel very bad that I even would think, never mind say something like that. She doesn't need that right now. She needs to be happy she's where she's at. All I can say is that this person also experienced a miscarriage just before I got pregnant, and I know she's a wonderful person and I think she understands my mishap and where I was coming from. That I didn't mean it to be so negative.
I'm sure all of this is part of the healing process. To be happy to be moving on and healing, but to have fall backs with the emotional healing part. I hope everyone that I encounter during this time understands that this has changed me. I do look at things very differently now. However, I believe I won't be so negative forever! My heart just has more healing to do. I know there are many stages of grieving, which I am doing. I think I'm crossing from the anger to the despair stages while also sticking my foot into the final stage of reorganizing and moving on stage.
So I guess this isn't just about the roller coaster ride but really another apology. Thanks for reading again... I hope that by writing all this not only am I getting it all off my chest but maybe helping someone else justify their feelings that they are feeling are ridiculous too. I know I'm not alone in all this!


Lauren said...

Remember, its natural to have all these feelings. I'm sure you were still feeling anxious for the rest of us when you were pg. I have to bite my tongue all the time so the green eyed monster doesn;t come out when taking to my 4...yes 4.. pg coworkers...esp the one pg with twins who doesnt really want to have twins and verbalizes it around me often!! Lol! Hang in there!

Lauren said...

ps...I ripped off your blog!

Alicia said...

I think what you are going through is all normal! I don't know though, I have never been through the crap you are going through. Infertility just freakin sucks. I know I am done with the patience lesson. And healing can take so bloody long. I hate the jealousy too, it totally transforms you into a second being. You are not alone in this journey! I am here for you (long distantly but here). Take care girl!

Jamie said...

I loved your blog. I loved how open and honest you were. I plan to keep reading!