Wednesday, February 13, 2008

How Strong Can I Be?

I have received so many messages, calls, sorries, apologies... and I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart. However, there is just one thing... People keep telling me how strong I am. I'm an amazingly strong woman to be able to go through this. So strong to be able to look at the positiveness of getting pregnant. So strong that I will get through this.

You know what... bull shit!

I am not strong! I am going through this because I have no other choice! I didn't ask for this. I don't want to be a stronger woman because of my loss. I want to be stronger because I can say I survived morning sickness, stretch marks, insomnia, weight gain, swollen feet and the ultimate victory... labor. I want to be stronger because I am up all night feeding a precious child, getting no sleep, yet returning to work and still kicking butt there too. I want to be a stronger person because I am a mother! Stonger because I am a parent to a beautiful baby in this sometimes ugly world. Raising someone that will make a difference.

Instead I'm ranting, typing like mad with tears running down my face because I am not strong. I can not play the act any longer. I feel sorry for myself and Chris for having to deal.... no not deal (because I am not dealing)...I feel sorry for myself and Chris for having to go through this. To have the one thing we longed for so badly to be taken away from us for no reason. I hate the fact that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage and I ABSOLUTELY hate the fact that we had the 1.

I hate that my body isn't healing instantly and every time I move, use the bathroom, undress... anything, I'm reminded of our loss. I hate that I can not be consoled intimately by my husband until the doctor's say it's ok. I hate this! And to top it off I hate Sears! They didn't cancel my mother-in-law's order like she requested for the crib... So now there is our baby's crib on it's way to our home, when the baby is not.

So, please stop telling me I'm strong. That we will make it. That it happened for a reason, even if we don't know why yet. That we will be pregnant again soon.... just stop... and let me break down. Let me miss and mourn my baby. Let me be vulnerable. Just for a bit. Then when I can hold my head up without choking back tears of hurt and anger, I'll let you know. I'll smile again. But just for now, I don't want to be strong.

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