Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Love Like No Other... Lost

Sometimes it's just too hard to rewrite everything I've been thinking lately, so instead I'll just paste what I already wrote on myspace...

It's amazing... the feeling you have when you find out you're going to be a mother. Instantly you have dreams and plans for this child growing inside of you. You wake up every morning with a smile and do everything you can to protect the fragile, precious baby even before it comes into this world. And then, in a blink of an eye your world is turned upside down. Your child is taken away from you. He or she may not have even had a name yet, a room in the house of their own, or even all of it's fingers and toes yet... yet you love that baby unconditionally and will never forget! You are lost. But you have to hold on to hope. You have to believe that your baby was not ready for the world yet, and has returned to it's first home until it comes again and stays in your life forever. You have to believe this is not the end.

On January 10th I found out I was pregnant. Chris and I had undergone a year of fertility treatments and had done an IUI (intra-uterine insemination ) to conceive. We had wanted a baby for so long and had been trying for 4 1/2 years. We were finally blessed with the child we had wanted for so long.

On January 28th, we got to see our baby for the first time. The ultra sound showed this small being inside of me with the tiniest, most beautiful heartbeat. We couldn't be happier, and we started spreading our great news like wild fire. We were so happy and proud, we wanted everyone to know.

On February 4th before I left work our world was tipped upside down. I went to the bathroom and there was blood. Chris met me at the ER, I was instantly admited and testing began. It was a rollercoaster... good news then bad news then good news, it was so much to take in. My cervix was closed, I was not having a miscarriage and they didn't know where the blood was coming from but it was lessening. Then after an hour of ultrasounds there was no heartbeat found. Then the bloodwork came back and my HCG levels were right on track. I was sent home but needed to follow up with our fertility doctor the next day.

February 5th, we drove to Annapolis in the morning for our follow up ultra sound. They confirmed that there was no heart beat and our baby had died. There had been little growth since the first ultrasound. They sent us home.

Februaury 7th, a D&C was scheduled in Rockville because I was not miscarrying on my own. We got there around 8:30am and the D&C was scheduled for 9:45. Since it was surgery and I was under anesthesia I couldn't eat since midnight the night before...and I was hungry, tired and sad. Before I knew it I was in the OR and they were going to give me the "starter" anesthesia... I was out! Next thing I knew I was back in recovery with Chris. I wasn't in pain which was good. We went home and relaxed for the rest of the day.

Luckily I have a really nice boss and I can take as much time as I need, and well I was planning on taking this next week off anyway, so I still am. I'm glad. I'm not in a lot of pain, just occassional cramping like light period cramps. And the bleeding has gotten heavier, as I was just spotting the day of the D&C, but it's still not bad, like a period. I have moments where I am fine and then moments where I just break down, to be expected I guess.

Today is February 10th and I woke up sad and scared. I'm ready to try again, but so scared to at the same time. I'm full of questions today that I'm not sure can be answered. I now want to know why it happened, I want to know if it will happen again. I had started a pregnancy journal and we have an ultra sound from that 1st time, I don't know what to do with them. We're not sure yet. Part of us never wants to forget and another part of us doesn't want to hold on to this sadness forever. In the meantime, we will never forget our first baby! Our little angel. We will love you forever!

Chris and I hold onto the hope that our baby just wasn't ready yet and they will return to us. When I have physically and emotionally healed from our loss we are planning on going back to the fertility clinic and trying again. I mean, we did get pregnant, and we know we can now. We will be parents.

Dum spiro, spero - While I breath, I hope

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