Saturday, March 15, 2008

Noun: Revelation or suggestion of intangible conditions or truths by artistic invention.

It’s been a while since I posted because well, nothing has happened regarding trying to have a baby. I went Monday and my HCG was at 5.64. So I go back again on this Monday. I started spotting again and I’m not sure that’s a good thing so I’ll talk to them Monday about getting an ultra sound. It’s been close to 40 days since the D&C and my levels just don’t seem to be moving anymore… I’m ready for this to be over so we can move on.

However, today’s post is an educational one… not about having babies directly but still fascinating just the same. First a prelude to why I’m sharing this info… I often say, “If you don’t have hope, what do you have”. But sometimes it’s nice to have something tangible that helps remind you of hope and keeps you feeling motivated and safe.

Recently a reader of my blog noticed I changed my background again, well this time it’s for a reason. I was looking through flower backgrounds and found this lotus one. I was reminded of a good friend of mine and her lotus tattoo and she told me what it meant and not remembering exactly I started doing some research.

The lotus blossom has been a symbol of hope, strength, and faith in many different cultures and religions. For instance; According to the Indian culture the lotus flower denotes prosperity knowledge and learning, fruitfulness and illumination. Christians view the lotus flower as a representation of piousness and fertility. Within Hinduism and Buddhism the lotus flower has become a symbol for awakening to the spiritual reality of life.

There is a chant from the White Lotus Sect in the Ming dynasty that states, “When the white lotus descends to this world, it changes everyone’s life for the better”.

And even in if you walk into a tattoo parlor you’ll find many tattoos of the lotus flower. In the tattoo world (for lack of better words) the lotus often symbolizes growth to a better place from those who have overcome great obstacles in their life. I remember watching an episode of Miami Ink and a young woman had overcome her “cutting” addiction, but her body was now marked with the ugly scars (literal and metaphorical) from her younger, troubled years. She had a large, beautiful, and colorful lotus tattooed over her scars. I remember her saying to the something like, “I want this to be covered with something beautiful and I have come so far to feel this way”.

So what does the lotus have to do with me, my life, my wanting a child, my loosing a child?

The lotus emerges from mucky, muddy waters, fights the waters current, and rises to the top, beautiful and pure… against all odds. I have been in this fertility fight for so long. I have been down at the bottom, like the lotus seed, hiding in the mud, wondering if I’ll ever rise. I have filled my body with drugs, stuck myself with needles, been poked and prodded by doctors and nurses while I’m trying to move forward in this journey. Like the rough waters to the growing lotus stem, is the water and current helping, or hindering? Yet in my center, like the hard fruit in the center of the lotus, remains strong and true to it’s purpose. To open, spread seed and bring forth offspring. And my hope in my heart knows that one day I will be blessed with a beautiful child, my lotus blossom floating above the water in all it’s purity, soaking in the sun and beauty of all the life around it.

My lotus gives me hope, strength, and faith. And when I have my child I will be the richest I can be. Better than any amounts of money. My lotus will show me my fruitfulness, illumination and above all awaken me to the spiritual reality of life… being a mother.

(I have a couple photos at home I need to upload and share with you. The water lily is closely related to the lotus. Chris and I enjoy hiking through the trails in the Blackwater Refuge here in Maryland. On one of our hikes it led us to a wide path, like an old road now covered with grass. We followed the path and passed by a small pond. Now the area around us was beautiful and serene, however the pond is blackwater, it’s a mix of the bay’s ocean water and marsh water, so the water is pretty dark. In the center of the pond was the most beautiful water lily. I have never seen such a perfect flower, and I will share it with you!)


Lauren said...

Such a beautiful entry. I can feel your hopefulness and am so glad for this brightening (or should I say "illumination") of your outlook. I see that seed in the mud in you and know that someday (soon?) it will emerge as your amazing offspring and strength as a mother. Should we expect a matching tatt? LOL. Keep the faith.

alicia said...

What a beautiful representation! I am glad you have a symbol to remind you of your faith and journey! I agree, I think you shoudl get a tatt! :)