Friday, September 10, 2010

Back to My Roots

Infertility has been weighing on my mind lately. We're not trying for another baby. We're not experiencing the throws of infertility at the moment. We're just living our life as a happy family of three. So why have I been thinking about it?

Aidan is no longer a baby! He's getting so big, as you can tell from yesterday's post. Things that were once hard, are easy, but every day we have new obstacles. Like Aidan being Mr. Independent and Super Boy and doing a face plant into a coffee table. We are now dealing with bruises and scrapes and our tough little man barely notices, just keeps on going!

In some ways this makes me want another baby. I always wanted a relatively large family, lots of kids, definitely more than one anyway. And I really long to be pregnant again. However, I fear my wanting another child stems from really wanting to be pregnant to try and get that 3rd trimester experience. Often I feel I was neglected in my pregnancy journey. It's the little things like packing my hospital bag, timing contractions, and actually taking photos of "go time". I long to have a newborn put to my chest instead of being whisked away by a medical team. I'd like to have family waiting outside and hear cheers of joy instead of "Code Light Blue" echo across the speakers at the hospital. (Guess that's not so little, is it?)

Do I feel we're "ready" for another baby. NO! There's not really room in our house for another baby. There's not really room in our budget for another baby. And there is absolutely no room in my (or my husband's) courage, heart, strength, whatever, to go through another premature birth.

So why do I even think about it?

Who knows? Who knows why women want babies and it turns into almost an obsession? Who knows why we look at big, beautiful, pregnant bellies and get a bit jealous? And what does this have to do with infertility? Why am I so afraid of infertility when we haven't even decided to try for another child? I really don't have an answer, but I'm petrified.

Yesterday I started taking Prometrium again. In August I had a regular check up with my doctor and expressed concern about my irregular cycles. But I told him I didn't want to be on birth control pills either. I literally asked him if my only option was to "shut up and deal". He laughed and said "NO!". Luckily, that's not my only option and he prescribed Prometrium for 3 months.

Prometrium is progesterone. You're body produces progesterone after ovulation. When the progesterone levels drop, approximately 14 days later, your cycle begins. If there is a pregnancy, the progesterone "is suppose to" increase and helps "feed" a fetus until the placenta is fully formed.

I was on Prometrium while going through the IUI process. Since my whole cycle was hormone induced through medication (clomid, follistim, ovadril and progesterone), I look at is as I had to continue with medicated hormones because my body really didn't know what was going on and may have not done it on its own. I knew the reason for the progesterone while going through infertility treatments, but wasn't sure what it would do if we weren't TTC (trying to conceive). I made sure that the progesterone wouldn't increase or decrease the chance of pregnancy since we weren't trying. I'm glad I asked too because Chris had the same initial reaction to the prescription, he was like, wait, you took that during infertility treatments and we're not trying! I was able to reassure him that I wasn't trying to get pregnant without his consent, hehe.

I guess that's the reason why infertility is so heavily on my mind lately. Here I am taking a medication I took to conceive Aidan. But this time, what it's doing is giving my body the progesterone for a full 14 days, then I stop taking it, the progesterone levels drop, and my cycle starts. We're going to attempt this for 3 months and see if we can "train" my body to act properly.

I definitely haven't blogged about infertility in a really long time either. I guess I feel it's important for me to put out there that I haven't forgotten. Is that silly? Like I need to justify myself for not blogging about infertility. Either way, I haven't forgotten. I lost a lot of readers when I conceived, and even more when we had Aidan. But I will never forget what it took to be blessed with him! And I'll never forget those 5 years of trying. I'll never forget where he came from or where my blog came from. Guess I just needed to get back to my roots today.


alicia said...

ohhh this post spoke to me sweetie! It was weird for me too when infertility wasn't the only topic on my blog, I lost pretty much all my readers once Ivy as born, but whatever. But I know how you feel in the midst of do you try again or do we not? Such a hard place, such a hard decision. Something I have learnt, and I am sure you know, is you can never be ready for another baby, you will never have enough money or enough space or enough time and in my own experience with surprise baby #2 here it's not in our hands! I will be so excited for you when you do try for number 2, and you do get to experience a full 41 week pregnancy!!! good luck with the decision making, secretly hoping we will be pregnancy buddies again!

lindsey said...

Hey J! I totally understand where you are coming from with this post. I, too, sometimes feel a bit cheated about my birth experience and want many of the things you want too. I know you and Chris will know when the time is right and I feel confident that you will get the experience you desire next time around. In the meantime, that little Aidan just gets cuter by the minute! Love ya!

Trying Again said...

I know what you mean about being obsessed with getting pregnant. It's all I can think about right now! I enjoyed reading a little bit of your story, thanks for sharing!